This is an excerpt from Tony Robbins, when asked about what he would say to someone who has failed at school, failed in relationships, failed at work, now perhaps late in life may just not feel like trying again. The entire interview first published in Psychology Today. (link below)
TR: We want to avoid pain and have pleasure, so if our early attempts to achieve our dreams fail, we want to avoid the pain of future failure and rejection, so we stop trying and write it off with a broad-brush, “I’m just not driven enough, not well educated enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough.”
You must find something you want to live for that’s bigger than yourself – a mission – whether it’s your children, a business, a non-profit, whatever. That pulls you to achieve, which is far more sustainable than to push yourself to. You can only push yourself for so long.
It’s not enough to have a strategy for success. Great strategy is available for free online for everything from career success to meeting Mr. or Ms. Right. You must also tell yourself the right story. The “I’ve tried everything” story ensures failure. You must create an empowering story that recognizes that everyone has failed a lot but successful people have found a way to rebound until they succeed.
The third element of success is your state: You must replace a default state of pessimism or anger with one of determination, of will, of generosity, of curiosity, of gratitude. The more we can put ourselves in such beautiful states rather than suffering states, the more they become habits of being and we end up making better decisions. It’s natural to sit down but the human spirit within us can make us get up.
I want to say all that in a more specific way. I’ve taken these steps myself and taught them to millions:
1. Unless you feed your mind, those suffering states will take over. Read no less than ½ hour a day or listen to audiobooks while in the car or cleaning the house. Biographies of great people taught me, as I said, that even eminent people fail but keep getting up.
2. Do something physical every day, even if it’s just five or ten minutes of fast walking a couple times a day. That tends to replace fear and anger with determination and courage. It can change your identity, your momentum.
3. Find a great role model, perhaps someone who struggled and only really succeeded when older. Their biography and what they’ve done differently from you will help you. If such a person is willing to mentor you or at least allow you to work around them, great.
4. Take massive action. So many people wait until they have all the answers. When you feel you have good although incomplete expertise, start trying things. If it’s not working, try something else; maintain an experimental mindset.
5. Find someone worse off than you and help them. It will put your life in perspective. My organization has fed millions of poor people and we’re aiming for a billion.
Psychology Today: What message do you have for the long time angry or long time sad person? How do they overcome these destructive emotions?
TR: We all have an emotional home that we keep coming back to. Even if a foundationally angry or sad person has a good job and good family, they return to their emotional home, especially when experiencing life’s inevitable setbacks. I don’t believe in waiting for great feelings. I need to wire myself for positivity and gratitude. I need to build a highway to those.
To do that, I take ten minutes every morning. First I do a little deep breathing. Then, I focus on three moments in my life I’m grateful for, really feel them. Next, I ask my body to be strong so I can serve others. Finally, I think of three things I want to accomplish that day my Three to Thrive. Then, boom, I start my day. By doing that every day, I naturally end up looking for things to be grateful for. It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel angry or fearful but because I’m wired for positive emotions, net, I end up treating others and myself better.
This article first published in Psychology Today in 2016 and can be read in its entirety here: Psychology Today Tony Robbins 2016